Adam Sandler Versus Robert Smith

If you’ve ever seen The Wedding Singer, you know that Adam Sandler’s character’s passive-aggressive ode to his ex-fiancée, “Somebody Kill Me Please,” was largely influenced by The Cure. Just to refresh your memory, he warned Drew Barrymore’s character (by the way, aren’t they awesome together?) that “I was listening to The Cure a lot” before launching into… “I can’t believe I found a love that’s so pure and true… But it all was bullsh**, it was a god**** joke, and when I think of you, Linda, I hope you f****** choke!”

Nicely done, Wedding Singer! I’ll be sure to hire you if I renew my vows.

So who would win in a crooning contest, or a fist fight, between Robert Smith and Adam Sandler? Let’s see what the two have going for them:

Smith’s Pros: Obviously an emo to the core, Robert Smith looks and acts like he’s felt pain at a depth that Sandler could only dream of experiencing (or perhaps the pain induced upon unfortunate viewers of his film, Bedtime Story). His voice is completely better than Sandler’s, though his subject material runs in a narrow melancholy pool (of course, this is compared with a spectrum that goes from Thanksgiving turkey in big, brown shoes to the lovely lyrics above). He also simply has the career of a singer, which Sandler has yet to have himself—though his films have made it apparent that he may have the desire, at least.

Smith’s Cons: Being emo doesn’t equal tough, and Sandler can turn you into a pretzel—or, at least, The Zohan can. No matter the heartache conveyed in Smith’s songs, they also don’t equal the wild, idiotic rage Sandler portrays in films such as Billy Madison and Big Daddy.

Sandler’s Pros: Aside from possibly being more violent, Sandler seems like he might be willing to take a few cheap shots—especially if it will result in frat boys laughing. Rather than sing about how depressed you’re making him, I think Sandler would be more likely to punch you in the face and then make a joke about the blood in a goofy voice.

Sandler’s Cons: Then again, Sandler may simply not feel like carrying a fight on after the first punch. And he’s obviously not got the vocals Smith has; there’s no way an Adam Sandler song is going to make me want to sit in the dark and cry, eat a box of Ho-Hos, or contemplate how much being in love makes me feel like dying.

The Verdict: I think Sandler would mildly kick Smith’s ass, but he definitely couldn’t beat him in a talent contest. (Now, he would probably win against him on American Idol, but we all know that’s an entirely different story, don’t we?)